Today

BY ASHA ANGUS

I walk home on the sun-beaten footpath, drenched in sweat. I wasn’t sure if I was sweating from the heat or from fear of what I was about to do. Maybe it was a bit of both. I could hear my heart pounding. It felt like a jackhammer drilling into my chest. My stomach felt as if it had been flipped inside out. And my fists were clenched, causing my fingernails to bite into the flesh of my palm. Despite myself, I was grinning from ear to ear. Because today was the day. I had decided that no matter what, I was going to tell them today. 

The walk home felt much longer than usual. My thoughts buzzed as the sun bore down on me. I tried to take some deep breaths as each step took me closer to home. But it felt like there was hot, sticky tar in my throat, clogging my lungs. Making each breath an exertion of effort. There is no need to be nervous, Aakash, I told myself. My parents love me. They aren’t traditional in any sense. My father’s the type of person to be infuriatingly optimistic about everyone and everything. He sobs through most children's films and tries way too hard to make Mum and I laugh. My mother, on the other hand, is much calmer than my father. She is the first to yell at me when I’ve done something wrong, but also the first to forgive me. She also laughs way too hard at my dads jokes. They're good parents. I knew logically there was nothing to be scared about. In fact, some parts of me were excited to tell them. I hated hiding from them. But fear had already seeped in and it felt like it was devouring me. 

I must tell them today, I remind myself. 

The decision to tell my parents was rather abrupt. I had known I was different since third grade. And I had known I was gay since my first year of high school. I’d kept it to myself for two years and hadn’t planned on telling anyone before today. I was comfortable with no one knowing. But today in English Mr Irwin had been analysing some quotes for the class, I hadn’t been paying much attention. I looked up for a moment to see how much longer till class ended and caught Mr Irwin saying, 

‘... this is exactly what the characters learnt. A lesson that rings true to all. Secrets are poison. They eat you from the inside out. To keep a secret is to sentence yourself to a slow death.’ It felt as if Mr Irwin had just shoved hot coals down my throat. My ears began to ring and the world seemed to go white. ‘And most of the time,’ continued Mr Irwin, ‘secrets cause the most pain to their beholder.’ 

After hearing his words, my mind was ablaze. I couldn’t focus for the rest of the day. Something I had been drowning for a long time had pushed its way to the surface. I felt as though people could hear and taste my thoughts. I needed it to stop. If this secret had become a prison of my own making, I needed my freedom. I needed to tell someone. 

And the only people who I felt as if I could tell, the people who I wanted to know first, were my mum and dad.

I turned the corner to my street. My house was a small one-story house crammed between two much taller buildings. The house itself was a blinding yellow with blue accents and bright green vines crawling up the wall. 

I jumped up the steps on the porch and stopped in front of the door. I just need to tell them. Don’t be scared. Take a breath and just tell them. Before I could hesitate further I grabbed the handle and yanked open the front door.

‘I'm hom-’

‘I can’t do this again!’ My dad’s voice erupts from down the hall.

‘Well, we don’t have much choice,’ my mum replies tiredly.

‘Oh, you're giving up before we have even tried. You always do this, Mahika.’ Realising neither of them have heard me, I close the door quietly behind me. 

‘Don’t give me that Micheal, this isn’t a matter of giving up! Don’t insert your ego into this. We-’

‘My ego?! You think I’m making this about my ego?’ My dad’s voice begins to climb. It’s rare for him to yell. I’m never sure how to react when he does. So I just stand awkwardly at the entrance, not sure whether to go in yet or not.

My mother replies calmly, but there's a bite to her tone, ‘Fitzy gave me warning about the rent increase. We have a chance to get ahead of this. If we start planning now it won’t be like last time. Why can’t you see that?’

‘No. You don’t understand.’ My father says accusingly. 

I try to continue to listen but his voice has dropped to an angry whisper. And a movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention. My thatha is sitting in his green armchair in the lounge room to my left. He is wrapped in a blanket despite the heat. He smiles at me with his withered face and warmly, silently beckons me to him. I obediently oblige and gently kiss him on the forehead.

‘Hi Thatha.’ 

‘You grow more beautiful with each day, Mahika.’ He says holding my hands in his trembling grasp.

‘No. It’s Aakash, Thatha. Not Mahika’ I sigh. 

‘How was school Mahika? You had your test today, didn’t you? We should have ice cream to celebrate, as I'm sure you did brilliantly.’ Thatha smiles up at me.

‘That sounds nice Thatha’, I sigh and smile back. I love my thatha. He had gotten old so quickly. The man who used to love to sing and carry me on his shoulders now struggled to just stand. But, despite what he lost, he still always managed to make me smile.

‘How dare you! You don’t think I care about what happens to Aakash?!’ My mum shouts, I freeze at my name. ‘He loves his school and his friends. Do you think I want to take him away from that? But we don’t have a choice!’

‘You don’t know that.’ My dad yells back.

‘Just think about it logically. Just think! We cannot afford to rent this place next year. That’s it. End of story.’

‘You. Don’t. Know. That.’ My dad grinds out.

‘Oh my god. I'm going mad. I’m turning into a broken record Micheal.’ My mother’s voice begins to tremble. ‘We need to find a new place to live. We can’t afford it. I don’t want to move. I love our home. But we don’t have a choice.’ 

My father pauses. ‘Your Dad could stay here.’

‘Micheal-’

‘We don’t have to send him to that home. It was way too expensive anyway. He can stay with us. We can look after him.’

‘We can look after him? We? No, I would be the one looking after him. And I don’t have the time!’ My mother cries. ‘I can’t be here 24/7. And what if something happens. What if he has a fall? Or wanders off into the street and gets lost? He needs to go to that home. And he leaves tomorrow for Christ sake. It’s not something we can stop.’ I look back down at my thatha who had become transfixed with his knitted blanket, gently pulling and plucking at the threads that held it together. I hope that he can't hear my parents right now. I hope that he will forget us when he goes to that home. I don’t want him to think that we abandoned him.

‘Fine. I can find a new job-’

‘You want to leave our family’s security up to the chance of you finding a new job?’ My mother asks incredulously.

‘Well where would we go, Mahika? Hm? We got lucky with this place. There is nowhere in this damn city that we can afford!’ Dad rages.

‘I don’t know, but I’m sure we can figure it out.’ breathes my mother. A heavy silence falls. I feel this is as good a time as any to announce my presence. I walk down the hall and into the kitchen where I find Mum and Dad. They're both at opposite ends of the room. My dad is leaning on the counter sipping his beer and my mother has her arms crossed and is facing the cabinet.

‘Umm, hi.’ They both jump at my voice. My dad quickly smiles and Mum hurriedly wipes her eyes.

‘Hey buddy.’ My dad says warmly, ruffling my hair. ‘You hear any of that?’

‘Yep.’ I say quietly, looking at my feet. 

‘Don’t worry. Your Mum and I will sort it out. You don’t need to worry about this. You hear me?’ I look over at Mum who just stares blankly at Dad. Slowly, tears start to well in her eyes and she turns away from us.

‘Listen. I know now's not the best time, but,’ I take a deep breath. I need to say this today. No matter what. ‘There’s something I need to talk to you guys about.’

Dad looks over at Mum. ‘Maybe a bit later, Aakash. Mum and I just need to finish talking a few things out.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Mum says, breaking her silence. She turns to me with red eyes, ‘You can always talk to us Bub. What is it?’ 

I look at my mother. Her lips are trembling and white. Her arms are tightly wrapped around her body. And she seemed to be leaning on the cabinet for support. I then look at Dad. He doesn’t seem upset but I look at his hands and see he's been chewing on his nails. He only does that when he's anxious. 

I feel the hot tar in my throat. It's burning me. I need to tell them. I want to tell them. The words are on the tip of my tongue. They are fighting to get out. I’m gay. That’s all I have to say. And then this feeling is gone. And then I won’t be alone anymore. 

Please. Please, let me say it.

I look at both my parents. ‘I… I have a field trip coming up. I need you to sign a permission slip.’

‘No worries kiddo,’ My dad smiles. My eyes burn and I feel like my lungs are being squeezed. I turn around quickly.

‘Thanks, I'm going to my room.’ I hurry down the hall and into my room. Once the door is closed I collapse onto my bed, clawing at the sheets. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I bite down and taste metal on my tongue. I can feel my heartbeat in my mouth. My face feels hot and wet. I can’t breathe. Oh god. I can’t breathe. I’m dying. Please. I’m dying. I can’t breathe. 

My door opens. I hear someone come in. They walk over to my bed and sit next to me. I feel soft hands stroke my hair and cheeks.

‘You’re safe Aakash.’ A withered voice whispers to me. ‘It was only a dream. There are no monsters here.’ He continues to stroke my hair and begins to hum a familiar tune.

‘Thatha?’ I wheeze.

‘Ignore the noise outside Aakash, it’s just me and you here. I will always be here for you.’ He begins to scratch my head in slow circles. The world begins to slow down. I take desperate gulps of air, but I can feel it enter my lungs. I turn, and hug my thatha. Holding onto him tight. 

‘I’m going to miss you Thatha.’ I mumble as I press my face into his sweater. He smells of cinnamon and smoke.

‘Mahika, don’t be silly. I would never leave you. You're my home.’